Les 13 Bosses - My latest Madness!

Les 13 Bosses my latest bit of madness means The 13 Moguls or bumps

I didn’t know bumps went as high as 750 metres but they do in France. Marseilles to be precise last Sunday, went there on Saturday afternoon just for the race as you do.

Well this was a mini Etape (same distance more or less but 1200 metres less climbs) and I wanted to do it to see what my chances would be next year if I did the Etape again, as this time I was determined to eat and drink properly on the route. If I got swept up it wouldn’t matter so much as I could continue under my own steam as the route is a loop unlike the Etape where I would end up stranded 100 miles from my hotel!

When I checked in for my ‘dossier’ or number I saw to my horror that the broom wagon was sweeping at 20 kph average – the Etape was 16.8 kph and we know what happened there! To my further horror the first ‘bump’ was a 6 kms climb 1 km from the start so I figured I was dead before I even started.

Anyway I went back to the hotel had dinner took 2 hrs with a 1 hr wait for the first course, and got a reasonable nights sleep. Having been told breakfast started at 7 when I had to be at the start but could have a croissant and coffee at 630 you can imagine my surprise when I arrived at 630 and saw dozens of fellow competitors scoffing their faces with a full scale breakfast!

I had only 15 mins so I scoffed down as much as I could which meant I couldn’t wait for it to start stirring the bowels thus putting at risk my average speed like when I was caught short at the Etape! Sorry about going back to basics.

It was a chilly morning start so had to wear my jacket there were over 3000 of us but I got in the pen early and was away in 5 mins after the start keeping well head of the broom wagon. I got to the top of the first climb averaging 18.6 kph (the first km was downhill by the way so don’t get too excited) and no there was no broom wagon, couldn’t have been as there were still many riders behind me.

Anyway we descended into Cassis at great speed for 8 kms how beautiful is that and continued for 3 hours or so feeling great and enjoying the scenery. No level cycling the whole ride was either up or down! By then a large lump had been stirring down below and was clamouring for attention. I was at about 20.8 kph by then so thought better risk it and saw a restaurant just opening its doors. So I rushed in and asked if I could use the loo and parked my bike by the tables. Some trumped up little Frog of a Frenchman asked me if I had bought anything to which I said no I was in this cycle race and needed the loo. He said no get out take your bike and do it in the forest. Well I tell you I quickly remembered all the French 4 letter words I knew and gave him both barrels as I hightailed it out. Forest I don’t think.
 
Half an hour later the routes split as there were three other distance rides being done and mine was the longest so I turned off right while everyone else went left. In front of me absolutely nobody, it was a Lance Armstrong moment. Short-lived because there was nobody BEHIND me either! I was alone. Surely not the only rider doing this route…….

Well I knew that in a mo I faced a 10 kms climb then a descent so unlikely to see a building for a couple of hours and this lump in my stomach was getting bigger. I saw another restaurant and cycled up and asked the usual question. This time no problem. I tell you what bliss to have dropped everything and best of all I must have lost 1 kgs so I set off again turbo-powered.

I was now pretty close to being swept up and I knew I couldn’t make the top in time. It was such a lovely climb up to 750 meters. At the top I looked below at the S bends and saw what looked like a broom wagon. So I stopped in a lay-by and hid behind a car and took these glorious photos. Then hopped back and started the descent. Soon a police car drew level and wound his window down and blathered in French. I pretended not to understand so he reverted to perfect English the swine. “ Have you seen the car with the timer on the roof signalling the end of the race for you?” “No” I said innocently so he drove off.
 
A few Kms later he was waiting for me at a crossroads but I cycled innocently on although I knew a feed station and checkpoint were coming up so they would get me there. Sure enough as I pulled in around 4 hrs from the start I was set upon by an official asking me for my dossier and that for me it was the end of the race. No I said in my best French! Sacre bleu! Well there was no hiding place this time so I had to give it up.

I then said to him I wanted to continue on my own and finish the course. He said well you can’t do that because after this he was driving along picking up all the direction arrows so I wouldn’t know the route. So I said give me a map. He looked at me strangely – stupid Englishman – but went off and got a piece of paper and wrote down all the directions – 75 kms of them. Then one of the officials at the feeding station took pity on me as he was watching what was going on and said he would still be there until 2 as the next bit was a 25 kms loop with a 10 kms steep climb near the end. Take some food and water and he will look out for me on the road and I should stop by if I made it in time.

Off I went and got back around 215. They were still there and packed food up for me and gave me water and confirmed the route back and off I went. At several stages on the way the same police car pulled up parallel asking me if I was OK and wanted water. Another time I saw him ahead at a crossing pointing the way for me! Then my mate from the feeding station overtook me on a climb and pulled over and produced water for me just in time! My own personal support team! All in all what a difference to that asshole at the first restaurant.

So that was pretty much it. I made it back to the finish after 8 hours of cycling and 45 mins of stopping at an average moving speed of 21.5 kph. But when you add in the stops it comes down to 19.6 kph - below the threshold. Anyway the scenery was wonderful I got a great kick out of completing the course alone for nearly 5 hours, kinda my own private race, and I felt good at the end. Could I have climbed an extra 1200 metres, well who knows, but I clearly fed and watered myself pretty well for a change.